It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
