I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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