Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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