maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
