Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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