I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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