I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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