the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
