Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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