You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I need to stop coming to work sober
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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