Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
