shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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