i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
