i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
