Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
