Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
