I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
