Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
