seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
