The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
