I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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