I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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