You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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