I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
