too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
