ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Congratulations! We have a period
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
