That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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