And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
