and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
