I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
