your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
