dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
