Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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