you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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