I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I understand Curling. That high.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize
