shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
