I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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