Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
