i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
