The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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