I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
