all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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