I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
