I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
