just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
