Just fell off a train. Bad.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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