If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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