i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
