life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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