upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
